I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
