i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
