my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
