I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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