watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
