I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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