i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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