Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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