Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
