Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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