Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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