FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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