Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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