I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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