when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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