Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
