I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So much rum. So many feels.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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