How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
