worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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