You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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