your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
