Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
