Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you traded sex for a burrito?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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