Swine flu. Run for my life!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
