wat bout pragnant strippers??
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
