i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
