Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
