Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
