textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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