I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We are two peas in an std pod
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
