Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
