There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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