We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
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After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
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Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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