just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
