Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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