Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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