I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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