I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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