I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
