I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
