As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
