WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
