I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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