paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
