I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
