"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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