You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
