My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
