I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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