Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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