maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
