morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
