I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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