The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
