I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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