I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
