If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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