i jhust puked up my retainher.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
