I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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