Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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