my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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